Mindful Parenting
As both a therapist and a parent of young children, I’m into mindful parenting. I have read and sought out information and I like to think that I am pretty well-versed on the skills we are supposed to use for mindful communication with kids, especially when they have big emotions.
When kiddos have big feelings we:
Practice regulating our own nervous system first
Become aware of our own thoughts and feelings in the moment
Use a soothing tone, and calming touch if helpful in the moment
Allow the child time and space to calm down
If you’re reading this, chances are you know this already! I feel like this generation of parents is working really hard to make space for their kids to have big emotions, to be ok with them, and support them in managing them.
And you know, you are never going to read parenting advice from a therapist telling you to:
Disapprovingly tell your child to “calm down”
Give your child a toy or snack to bribe them to calm down
Become distressed so that everyone around you knows the child’s behavior is upsetting
But sometimes, in certain social situations, it can feel like that is the behavior that we are expected to perform - to show that we care about the other adults in the space. And the pressure in these moments to show that you are a “good parent” with “good kids” can feel really intense.
I lived through an experience just like this very recently. My toddler skipped their normal nap, and had one of those early evening car naps.As dinner in the crowded restaurant began, my adult friend, who they hadn’t seen in two months, looked at my toddler in slightly the wrong way and they just burst into tears. I knew it was going to be rough for the next 90 seconds.
There have been countless times in the recent past that I wasn’t able to stay present and regulated in those moments. But that night, I was able to take long deep breaths, and remind my nervous system that I was ok. I could give my child in that moment a calming voice, warm hugs, and a comforting facial expression letting them know that they were safe.
Even so, I could FEEL the pressure. In my mind all the adults in the room seemed to be thinking, “Why did they bring their kid here?” “Why doesn’t she take them outside?” “Why doesn’t she tell this kid to stop crying?” Everything culminated when the well meaning and yet also distressed server brought over some cookies wrapped in plastic and handed them to me. Was I still regulated? I was! Did I let my child eat that cookie? You bet I did. I know that the server at our restaurant was genuinely trying to help, but bringing me a cookie just confirmed the fears of what others had been thinking, mostly - please make this stop.
I texted a friend later that night. She comforted me, and said “I think about all this on airplanes a lot. Like, kids are people who need to travel, and they’re not bad if that’s hard sometimes, and they’re not better if it’s easy sometimes.” I know that’s true. However, in public, the shame that comes from a huge public meltdown can make us feel defeated.
As I sat down to write this out I began wondering, how could we shift that experience of shame for caregivers? Maybe instead of more advice for them, it’s advice for all of us sharing the space in that moment. I don’t actually know what the adults in that room were thinking, but from a mindful perspective it could have been:
It’s distressing to hear a little human so unhappy, but I’m ok and their parents are taking care of them.
This kid is having a really big feeling right now, but all kids have big feelings and will learn how to manage them as they grow.
It must be hard to stay calm and supportive while their kid is so upset, I see they’re really trying.
Not all spaces are kid spaces, but we can all work towards creating a more accepting and supportive society in our shared spaces. Parents are part of our community, we don’t want them to be isolated, we want them to know that they can be supported even when raising little humans gets messy and loud. If we are working to create a better world where we can accept our kids’ big emotions, let’s build one where those emotions are ok in restaurants, grocery stores, and even airplanes too!
Until we see you,
Tara & The Haven Team
